What’s worse than turning up in casual clothes to a Black Tie Dinner? Turning up as an Arabian knight to an Arabian Nights themed party…
You see, I had to put together a costume at short notice. So it’s no wonder I royally fluffed up. You see, Liz Brewer invited me to escort her to Lisa Tchenguiz’s birthday party in London and being a party in Kensington Gore, I knew that I’d have no way out of partaking in the fancy dress. I hunted high and low, all over the house to see what swords, daggers, helmets, shields and breast plates I could find. Once I’d put together a costume, it suddenly occurred to me that there was no-one to look after the dogs.
Without batting an eyelid, I booked into K & K George Hotel. Not only did they take very good care of myself and the dogs, there was parking there – thank goodness! Once I’d checked in, I hurried off to pick up Liz. I mean, she could have been mistaken for being Liz Taylor in Cleopatra. What an incredible get up, well done Liz!
As the two of us entered the house, I clocked some pretty funny looks from the press. It was to me that they weren’t at all impressed by my outfit.
Liz had pre-warned me that some of the attendees would be very rich, divorced women on the prowl. She was right. What Liz hadn’t told me was that they’d all be gorgeous too. Very tall! Some of the best looking women I have seen in a long time. I even spotted Christina Estrada who might I add, has just been given a £75million divorce settlement. Not that she needs any more to add to her fortune.
My dress code was not to their liking and I very quickly worked out that I was the poorest man in the house not counting the waiters. Everybody seemed to have two jets and a yacht or at the very least a helicopter.
One woman seemed to really like my outfit. She like all the other women, was drop dead gorgeous. When I looked into her eyes they were like big lagoons and I couldn’t help but think, If I’d been for a swim in them… I might have drowned! She had dark hair, beautiful skin and it turned out that she was an Aquarius which is my favourite. I got her name but it was unpronounceable and I cannot for the life of me remember it.
Later that evening I bumped into my new best friend, Kaz the banking billionaire. He has a big office in Dubai so of course he knows what Arabians wear… and going by the look on his face, my outfit was not appropriate.
Kaz is a serious shooting man. He took Blenheim Shoot two days, double guns and stayed in the palace for a couple of nights with his friends. He invited me shooting at Drayton in Leicestershire, a 400/500 bird day. The hospitality of the Stopford Sackville’s was tremendous. The best fun I have had for years. I am seriously going to have to invite him to the big day at my Grouse Moor this year. I hope there is some grouse, we won’t know until Ascot week when they hatch out.
Anyway… later that night I also bumped into Ceawlin Weymouth and his beautiful wife Emma. He always gives me such good advice on how to run a stately home. “Don’t trust the techies and website designers and be very careful with Chief Executives”. I once asked him on the train, “are you going up to London for the week”? And he said “no I don’t like leaving the place for more than two days”. Emma looked so calm, beautiful and intelligent.
That reminds me… I have been approached by a lady who works at Wells Fargo Banks. She is half Nigerian and very successful. I was interested to hear that she has had children and more importantly, she now wants some more. She particularly likes drinking in Claridges so we really will have to meet up there soon. I have got two jets stuck in Nigeria that have been there for thirty years so you never know, I might get them back. The last I’d heard of my HS125, it had chickens in it. So it may very well have to be valeted.
I bumped into Lisa the hostess and her boyfriend Steve Varsano. She was looking absolutely stunning and I thanked her profusely. I will definitely invite them down to Somerset for a big house party in May.
I also bumped into Nicky Cole, married to Terrance. She had a wonderful outfit on, as indeed did most people at this party… except for me.
Immediately after the party, I looked around for a taxi, as one does. I had to go through the paparazzi and they were quite aggressive and rude. Luckily, I had my Turkish sword, so they didn’t get too close.
Whilst walking along in the early hours, I could not help but notice that there were a lot of shirt lifters about. One look at my sword and they were off in a flash. Much to my horror, a policeman (probably the only one on the beat in the whole of West London) just happened to be walking along the same road. Being slightly worse for wear and carrying two one hundred and fifty year old weapons, he was bound to arrest me. As luck would have it, I had my gun slip with me. Placing the sword and the dagger in, a taxi came to my rescue and I escaped into the night.